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Guide 4 Golf   >   Golf Articles   >   Golf Jokes

   
 

 

Golf Jokes


Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in that lake over there."

Caddy: "Do you think that you can keep your head down that long?"



The 10 Unalterable Laws of Golf
  1. Golf is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

  2. Golfers who claim not to cheat, also lie.

  3. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

  4. There are only two kinds of bounces: unfair, and ones that went just the way you meant to play them.

  5. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course, is a straight line: A straight line that passes through a very large tree.

  6. If you are unable to keep your head still, and you look up, causing a bad shot, you will look down again at the exact moment when you should be watching the ball if you ever want to find it again.

  7. Bad shots always come in threes. If you believe that you performed your fourth bad shot in a row, you're wrong: it's actually the first of the next group of three.

  8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

  9. Any ball that you can see in the rough from more than 2 feet away, isn't yours.

  10. No matter how badly you are currently playing, it's always possible to play worse.


Golfer: "I just got a set of golf clubs for my wife."

Caddy: "Great trade!"



A man comes home from his Saturday afternoon golf game, and his wife asks, "Why don't you play with Tom Paxton anymore?"

The husband replies, "Would you want to play golf with somebody who cheats in virtually every single game, swears like a foul-mouthed sailor, lies about his score, and doesn't have a good word to say about anybody else on the course?"

"Of course not" replies wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom Paxton."



Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes. You miss the ball much closer now."



Funny Golf Quotes

"Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose."
    - Woodrow Wilson

" The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
    - Billy Graham

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
    - Mark Twain

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
    - P. G. Wodehouse



Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break one hundred on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."



More Funny Golf Quotes

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators."
    - Gerald Ford

"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."
    - G. K. Chesterton

"If you think it's hard to meet new people,try picking up the wrong golf ball."
    - Jack Lemmon

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
    - Gardner Dickinson




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Golf Humor Books

Here are some books with golf jokes and humor:

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501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot

By Justin Exner

imusti
Released: 2016-05-01
Hardcover (144 pages)

501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot
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  • Sourcebooks
Product Description:

You can blame your job...
You can blame the course...
You can blame mother nature...
Or you can blame your equipment...
But Never, Ever, BLAME YOURSELF!

The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons

imusti
Hardcover (144 pages)

The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons
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  • Wiley
Product Description:
A wry look at the golfing world, from the beloved cartoonists atThe New Yorker

A hilarious hole-in-one for golfers and cartoon-lovers alike,The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons, Second Edition bringstogether over a hundred classic images from across the magazine'seighty-plus-year history. Edited by Robert Mankoff, acclaimedcartoonist and cartoon editor at The New Yorker, andfeaturing work from legendary artists including Charles Addams, RozChast, Whitney Darrow Jr., Edward Koren, George Price, WilliamSteig, and many others, the book is a side-splitting tribute to thegame.

  • Brings together over 100 golf-related cartoons by thebest-loved cartoonists at The New Yorker
  • Edited by the cartoonist and New Yorker cartoon editorRobert Mankoff
  • Newly revised and updated to include coverage of the mostrecent developments in the golfing world, including Tiger Woods'stroubles and more
  • Features an introduction by Danny Shanahan

A timeless anthology of the very best golf cartoons ever tograce the pages of America's favorite magazine, The New YorkerBook of Golf Cartoons captures the passion and the pain of thegame.

Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies

By Charles Lindsay

Bulfinch
Hardcover (128 pages)

Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies
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A unique and colorful collection of photographs featuring the under-celebrated wayward shot, its landing locale and the unexpected encounters with wildlife on and off the green.

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.

By Dick Crouser

Meadowbrook Press
Released: 2012-04-17
Paperback (96 pages)

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.
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  • Meadowbrook Press
Product Description:
An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

Desktop Golf (Miniature Editions)

By Chris Stone

Running Press
Paperback (32 pages)

Desktop Golf (Miniature Editions)
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  • Running Pr Miniature Editions
Product Description:
Millions of golf enthusiasts and Tiger Woods fans daydream of being on the golf course while stuck at work. A perfect gift for Dad on Father's Day or anyone who loves golf, this kit will help relieve some of that cubicle-induced anxiety by allowing you to get in a quick round right on your desktop. Kit includes two golf balls, two clubs, a green felt fairway, a packet of sand, and a 32-page book of fun facts and the rules of the game.

50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing

By Fred Fruisen

punchline
Hardcover (120 pages)

50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing
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Every golfer has a love/hate relationship with the game. What we love about golf one day, we curse at the next. We've all been frustrated to the point of breaking our clubs or vowing to sell them, announcing our departure from this infuriating sport only to show up at the course the next day, excited to play again. Golf is a game that teases, thrills, torments, and teaches. 50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing is a hilarious look at this addictive, wonderful, strange, beautiful, exasperating, mystifying sport and the culture surrounding it that people have been obsessed with for more than 500 years.

With an introduction by Chris Rodell, author, columnist, and golf fanatic.

Featured in the Golf Channel.

Golf Is Punishment for Not Taking Up Another Sport: 175 Jokes for All 18 Holes (Perret's Joke Book Series)

By Gene Perret

Familius
Hardcover (184 pages)

Golf Is Punishment for Not Taking Up Another Sport: 175 Jokes for All 18 Holes (Perret s Joke Book Series)
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Doing something over and over again and hoping for different results is the definition of insanity . . . and also of golf.

Bob Hope claimed that golf was his profession show business just paid the greens fees. From Hope s head joke writer, Gene Perret, and daughter Linda Perret comes a joke book for golfers of all skill levels.

Golf is a demanding game. It usually demands much more than most weekend hackers have to offer. But the best way to have fun playing golf is to simply have fun playing golf.Sometimes that means laughing at the other players on the green; sometimes that means laughing at yourself.

With 175 original gags and one-liners about golf, Golf Is Punishment for Not Taking Up Another Sport is the perfect gift for the golfer in your life."

Golf Courses: Fairways of the World

By Sir Michael Bonallack

Rizzoli
Released: 2011-03-01
Hardcover (264 pages)

Golf Courses: Fairways of the World
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Photographer David Cannon began his career in sports photography twenty-five years ago and is considered the premier golf photographer in the world. Having played at more than seven hundred golf courses in over fifty countries, Cannon photographs with a true golfer's eye, offering an extraordinary window into some of the world's most celebrated courses—with more than 40 in North America, dozens in Asia and the South Pacific, and several in both Africa and the Middle East. Savor a view from the 11th hole of the incomparable and historic St. Andrews's Old Course bathed in golden afternoon light; glimpse giraffes and elephants from any green at Leopard Creek, South Africa; vicariously experience Pirate's Plank, the harrowing 15th hole at Cape Kidnappers, New Zealand, which is set at the very end of the clifftop fairway surrounded by dramatic 500-foot drops to the ocean; and take in the serene sea view from the signature 18th hole of the very private Seminole Golf Course in Florida. Golf Courses stunningly captures the singular genius and beauty of golf courses. It is a comprehensive collection of the world's best courses by revered designers including Donald Ross, Pete Dye, and Robert Trent Jones, Sr., and such new talent as Steve Smyers and Tom Doak, among many others—all of whom skillfully orchestrate the exceptional union of nature and course design on five continents. This deluxe, limited-edition volume features over two hundred sumptuous color photographs of courses, some of which have never been photographed or published previously, in full spreads and gatefolds—some measuring over five feet in length—and includes a numbered print signed by the photographer. Golf Courses: Fairways of the World will be strictly limited to 5,000 copies.

The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport

By Carl Hiaasen

Hiaasen, Carl
Released: 2009-05-05
Paperback (224 pages)

The Downhill Lie: A Hacker s Return to a Ruinous Sport
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Filled with harrowing divots, deadly doglegs, and excruciating sandtraps, The Downhill Lie is a hilarious chronicle of mis-adventure that will have you rolling with laughter.

Bestselling author Carl Hiaasen wisely quit golfing in 1973. But some ambitions refuse to die, and as the years passed and the memories of slices and hooks faded, it dawned on Carl that there might be one thing in life he could do better in middle age than he could as a youth. So gradually he ventured back to the rolling, frustrating green hills of the golf course, where he ultimately—and foolishly—agreed to compete in a country-club tournament against players who can actually hit the ball.

God Loves Golfers Best: The Best Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons for Golfers

By Ray Foley

Sourcebooks
Released: 2009-05-01
Paperback (144 pages)

God Loves Golfers Best: The Best Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons for Golfers
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God Loves Golfers Best is the ultimate collection of golf jokes, quotes, and cartoons sure to tickle the funny bone of any avid duffer. A perfect gift or self-purchase for the golf fan in your life!

Examples from God Loves Golfers Best:

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green, and end up in the hole.

What should you do if lightning strikes during your round? Walk around holding a 1-iron, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

A man is getting married and is standing by his bride at the church.
Standing beside him are his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
The groom replies, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.


Golf Beginner Guide


 
 
 
 

 
 
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