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Guide 4 Golf   >   Golf Articles   >   Golf Jokes

   
 

 

Golf Jokes


Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in that lake over there."

Caddy: "Do you think that you can keep your head down that long?"



The 10 Unalterable Laws of Golf
  1. Golf is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

  2. Golfers who claim not to cheat, also lie.

  3. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

  4. There are only two kinds of bounces: unfair, and ones that went just the way you meant to play them.

  5. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course, is a straight line: A straight line that passes through a very large tree.

  6. If you are unable to keep your head still, and you look up, causing a bad shot, you will look down again at the exact moment when you should be watching the ball if you ever want to find it again.

  7. Bad shots always come in threes. If you believe that you performed your fourth bad shot in a row, you're wrong: it's actually the first of the next group of three.

  8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

  9. Any ball that you can see in the rough from more than 2 feet away, isn't yours.

  10. No matter how badly you are currently playing, it's always possible to play worse.


Golfer: "I just got a set of golf clubs for my wife."

Caddy: "Great trade!"



A man comes home from his Saturday afternoon golf game, and his wife asks, "Why don't you play with Tom Paxton anymore?"

The husband replies, "Would you want to play golf with somebody who cheats in virtually every single game, swears like a foul-mouthed sailor, lies about his score, and doesn't have a good word to say about anybody else on the course?"

"Of course not" replies wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom Paxton."



Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes. You miss the ball much closer now."



Funny Golf Quotes

"Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose."
    - Woodrow Wilson

" The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
    - Billy Graham

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
    - Mark Twain

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
    - P. G. Wodehouse



Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break one hundred on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."



More Funny Golf Quotes

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators."
    - Gerald Ford

"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."
    - G. K. Chesterton

"If you think it's hard to meet new people,try picking up the wrong golf ball."
    - Jack Lemmon

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
    - Gardner Dickinson




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Golf Humor Books

Here are some books with golf jokes and humor:

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The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons

Wiley
Hardcover (144 pages)

The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons
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  • Wiley
Product Description:
A wry look at the golfing world, from the beloved cartoonists at The New Yorker

A hilarious hole-in-one for golfers and cartoon-lovers alike, The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons, Second Edition brings together over a hundred classic images from across the magazine's eighty-plus-year history. Edited by Robert Mankoff, acclaimed cartoonist and cartoon editor at The New Yorker, and featuring work from legendary artists including Charles Addams, Roz Chast, Whitney Darrow Jr., Edward Koren, George Price, William Steig, and many others, the book is a side-splitting tribute to the game.

  • Brings together over 100 golf-related cartoons by the best-loved cartoonists at The New Yorker
  • Edited by the cartoonist and New Yorker cartoon editor Robert Mankoff
  • Newly revised and updated to include coverage of the most recent developments in the golfing world, including Tiger Woods's troubles and more
  • Features an introduction by Danny Shanahan

A timeless anthology of the very best golf cartoons ever to grace the pages of America's favorite magazine, The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons captures the passion and the pain of the game.

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.

By Dick Crouser

Meadowbrook Press
Released: 2012-04-17
Paperback (96 pages)

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.
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  • Meadowbrook Press
Product Description:
An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot

By Justin Exner

imusti
Released: 2016-05-01
Hardcover (144 pages)

501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot
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  • Sourcebooks
Product Description:

You can blame your job...
You can blame the course...
You can blame mother nature...
Or you can blame your equipment...
But Never, Ever, BLAME YOURSELF!

Golf It's A Funny Old Game: The Funniest Quotes About Golf

By M Prefontaine

CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Paperback (68 pages)

Golf It s A Funny Old Game: The Funniest Quotes About Golf
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Product Description:

A book for Golf Nuts everywhere.

For us rabbits the game of golf is a constant battle between fantasy and reality. The great hopes and ambitions that accompany us on the first tee quickly evaporate by a combination of mother nature, gravity and the cruelest of luck.

One of the charms of the Great Game is that we are constantly chasing what is, in theory, attainable but in reality highly elusive. It is a perpetual series of occasions for hope.

David Feherty summed it up when he said;"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle."

It is astonishing how long the occasional miracle can remain in the memory to the total eclipse of all else. Golf is a game whose hook is baited with hope.

This book is a compendium of quotes from players who have been similarly troubled by the journey from great hopes to cruel reality.

I hope you enjoy their reflections. A perfect golfing gift for men or women

Tags: sports quotes, sports quotations, sports book, sports gift, golf funny gifts, golf humour, golf accessories, golf quotes,golf club book, golf book, golf books for men, golf books for women, golf gifts for men, golf gifts for women,

Golf Is Punishment for Not Taking Up Another Sport: 175 Jokes for All 18 Holes (Perret's Joke Book Series)

By Gene Perret

Familius
Released: 2016-08-16
Hardcover (188 pages)

Golf Is Punishment for Not Taking Up Another Sport: 175 Jokes for All 18 Holes (Perret s Joke Book Series)
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Doing something over and over again and hoping for different results is the definition of insanity . . . and also of golf.

Bob Hope claimed that golf was his profession―show business just paid the greens fees. From Hope’s head joke writer, Gene Perret, and daughter Linda Perret comes a joke book for golfers of all skill levels.

Golf is a demanding game. It usually demands much more than most weekend hackers have to offer. But the best way to have fun playing golf is to simply have fun playing golf. Sometimes that means laughing at the other players on the green; sometimes that means laughing at yourself.

With 175 original gags and one-liners about golf, Golf Is Punishment for Not Taking Up Another Sport is the perfect gift for the golfer in your life.

50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing

By Fred Fruisen

punchline
Released: 2017-02-21
Hardcover (120 pages)

50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing
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Every golfer has a love/hate relationship with the game. What we love about golf one day, we curse at the next. We've all been frustrated to the point of breaking our clubs or vowing to sell them, announcing our departure from this infuriating sport only to show up at the course the next day, excited to play again. Golf is a game that teases, thrills, torments, and teaches. 50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing is a hilarious look at this addictive, wonderful, strange, beautiful, exasperating, mystifying sport and the culture surrounding it that people have been obsessed with for more than 500 years.

With an introduction by Chris Rodell, author, columnist, and golf fanatic.

Featured in the Golf Channel.

The Golfer's Night BeFore! Christmas

By Robert Bernardini

The Booklegger
Released: 2004-01-30
Hardcover (30 pages)

The Golfer s Night BeFore! Christmas
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Special Price for this holiday season: 25% off! (Our second printing is here and with it we’ve added Santa’s Golf Glossary which describes the many golf terms used in the story. Also, the ads in the back of the book some readers complained about, have been removed.) This 30 page full-color hardcover finally reveals the truth about Santa's love for the game of golf—and a problem with his swing! Dressed in red knickers, green thermal golf shirt, and spanking new golf shoes, Santa pauses on his rounds to hit a few practice shots off of a fellow golf enthusiast's roof. But there's a problem! Santa just can't stop hitting a slice! His new golfing buddy comes to his rescue by offering a few tips and giving Santa a golf lesson right there on the roof on Christmas Eve. He tells Santa,

 

“You see,” I said, “Santa, it’s all in the wrists.

You’re cocking too soon, and that gives you fits.

And keep your head steady, you don't want to sway,

That belly of yours sometimes gets in the way!”

 

Soon, Santa gets in the groove...

 

His backswing was slower, his wrists cocked a little,

And this this time he nailed that ball straight down the middle!

 

Filled with golf terminology, traditions, humor, and class, this book will make every golfer smile and rejoice in golfing satisfaction. It’s clever, heartwarming, and laugh-out-loud funny, with tips that might help young and old alike improve their swing. You’ll not only learn the secrets of Santa's golf swing, but also be pleasantly surprised to learn where Santa’s golf balls end up after he hits them (hint: the secret’s in the stars); along with Santa’s real nick names for all the reindeer—golf style.

 

“On Eagle, on Longball, on Chip Shot and Bogey.

On Divot, on Sand Trap, on Backspin and Birdie.

And as he flew off, and tipped me his hat,

I thought I could hear the gallery clap!

 

“And I heard him call out as he swung back around,

Merry Christmas FORE! all, and FORE! all, a good round!”

 

The Par-fect gift and stocking-stuffer for any golfer on your Christmas list! Be a good caddy! Get this for the golfer you love! All for little more than the price of a greeting card.

 

Note: We added a section called Santa’s Golf Glossary that describes the many golf terms used throughout the book such as ‘stymie’, ‘closed stance’, ‘overlap grip’, ‘slice’ (and why it happens), and heaven forbid, ‘shank’, and many more.

 

 

Comments from some readers . . .

 

“Please ship by fastest method possible. I already mailed all of my previous order of 10 as Christmas cards and I need to send all of these internationally. Thanks.” B. Samuels, Australia

 

“I meant what I said—This book should be a Christmas Classic for the golfer and his family.” Ed Gilliland, producer of Where to Play Golf Radio Show, heard nationwide

 

“I bought this book for my son, but now it’s one of my favorite golf books of all time! And I’m sending it as a Christmas card to all my buddies in my golf league! It s a great book for anyone who golfs, no matter their age!” D. Arnholt, Ohio

 

Desktop Golf (RP Minis)

By Chris Stone

RP Minis
Paperback (32 pages)

Desktop Golf (RP Minis)
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  • Running Pr Miniature Editions
Product Description:
Relieve stress at the office with this fun desk accessory, a must-have for golf enthusiasts!

This miniature set includes:
  • 2-1/2" x 10-1/2" mini fairway
  • 2 golf balls
  • 2 metal clubs
  • a packet of sand
  • Mini book of fun facts and rules of the game




The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport

By Carl Hiaasen

Hiaasen, Carl
Released: 2009-05-05
Paperback (224 pages)

The Downhill Lie: A Hacker s Return to a Ruinous Sport
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Filled with harrowing divots, deadly doglegs, and excruciating sandtraps, The Downhill Lie is a hilarious chronicle of mis-adventure that will have you rolling with laughter.

Bestselling author Carl Hiaasen wisely quit golfing in 1973. But some ambitions refuse to die, and as the years passed and the memories of slices and hooks faded, it dawned on Carl that there might be one thing in life he could do better in middle age than he could as a youth. So gradually he ventured back to the rolling, frustrating green hills of the golf course, where he ultimately—and foolishly—agreed to compete in a country-club tournament against players who can actually hit the ball.

The Power of Positive Idiocy: A Collection of Rants and Raves

By David Feherty

Anchor
Released: 2011-05-03
Paperback (400 pages)

The Power of Positive Idiocy: A Collection of Rants and Raves
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David Feherty, ex-pro golfer and current commentator at NBC Sports and the Golf Channel, delivers a laugh-out-loud funny and totally uncensored collection of rants sure to surprise and crack up golfers everywhere.
 
Have you ever wondered where the weaknesses are in Tiger's game? Or what would happen if there were PGA Tour cheerleaders? Or how Old Tom Morris would play if he came back from the dead? In The Power of Positive Idiocy, readers will be treated to Feherty's answers to these questions, as well as his distinctive commentary on aging, Texas, the Irish, parenting, addiction, Charles Barkley, and, of course, every pro golfer and golfing situation you can imagine. Full of great laughs, ridiculous wisecracks, and some of the best advice for anyone new to the game of golf, Feherty’s remarkable collection is a must have for golfers of every stripe.

Golf Beginner Guide


 
 
 
 

 
 
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