Golf Jokes

   
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Guide 4 Golf   >   Golf Articles   >   Golf Jokes

   
 

 

Golf Jokes


Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in that lake over there."

Caddy: "Do you think that you can keep your head down that long?"



The 10 Unalterable Laws of Golf
  1. Golf is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

  2. Golfers who claim not to cheat, also lie.

  3. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

  4. There are only two kinds of bounces: unfair, and ones that went just the way you meant to play them.

  5. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course, is a straight line: A straight line that passes through a very large tree.

  6. If you are unable to keep your head still, and you look up, causing a bad shot, you will look down again at the exact moment when you should be watching the ball if you ever want to find it again.

  7. Bad shots always come in threes. If you believe that you performed your fourth bad shot in a row, you're wrong: it's actually the first of the next group of three.

  8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

  9. Any ball that you can see in the rough from more than 2 feet away, isn't yours.

  10. No matter how badly you are currently playing, it's always possible to play worse.


Golfer: "I just got a set of golf clubs for my wife."

Caddy: "Great trade!"



A man comes home from his Saturday afternoon golf game, and his wife asks, "Why don't you play with Tom Paxton anymore?"

The husband replies, "Would you want to play golf with somebody who cheats in virtually every single game, swears like a foul-mouthed sailor, lies about his score, and doesn't have a good word to say about anybody else on the course?"

"Of course not" replies wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom Paxton."



Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes. You miss the ball much closer now."



Funny Golf Quotes

"Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose."
    - Woodrow Wilson

" The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
    - Billy Graham

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
    - Mark Twain

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
    - P. G. Wodehouse



Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break one hundred on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."



More Funny Golf Quotes

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators."
    - Gerald Ford

"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."
    - G. K. Chesterton

"If you think it's hard to meet new people,try picking up the wrong golf ball."
    - Jack Lemmon

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
    - Gardner Dickinson




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Golf Humor Books

Here are some books with golf jokes and humor:

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The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons

Brand: Wiley
Hardcover (144 pages)

The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons
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A wry look at the golfing world, from the beloved cartoonists at The New Yorker

A hilarious hole-in-one for golfers and cartoon-lovers alike, The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons, Second Edition brings together over a hundred classic images from across the magazine's eighty-plus-year history. Edited by Robert Mankoff, acclaimed cartoonist and cartoon editor at The New Yorker, and featuring work from legendary artists including Charles Addams, Roz Chast, Whitney Darrow Jr., Edward Koren, George Price, William Steig, and many others, the book is a side-splitting tribute to the game.

  • Brings together over 100 golf-related cartoons by the best-loved cartoonists at The New Yorker
  • Edited by the cartoonist and New Yorker cartoon editor Robert Mankoff
  • Newly revised and updated to include coverage of the most recent developments in the golfing world, including Tiger Woods's troubles and more
  • Features an introduction by Danny Shanahan

A timeless anthology of the very best golf cartoons ever to grace the pages of America's favorite magazine, The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons captures the passion and the pain of the game.

501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot

By Justin Exner

Sourcebooks Hysteria
Paperback (144 pages)

501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot
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You can blame your job...
You can blame the course...
You can blame mother nature...
Or you can blame your equipment...
But Never, Ever, BLAME YOURSELF!

Who's Your Caddy?: Looping for the Great, Near Great, and Reprobates of Golf

By Rick Reilly

Broadway Books
Released: 2004-05-04
Paperback (261 pages)

Who s Your Caddy?: Looping for the Great, Near Great, and Reprobates of Golf
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The funniest and most popular sportswriter in America abandons his desk to caddy for some of the world’s most famous golfers—and some celebrity duffers—with hilarious results in this New York Times bestseller.
 
Who knows a golfer best? Who’s with them every minute of every round, hears their muttering, knows whether they cheat? Their caddies, of course. So sportswriter Rick Reilly figured that he could learn a lot about the players and their game by caddying, even though he had absolutely no idea how to do it. Amazingly, some of the best golfers in the world—including Jack Nicklaus, David Duval, Tom Lehman, John Daly, Jill McGill of the LPGA tour, and Casey Martin—agreed to let Reilly carry their bags at actual PGA and LPGA Tour events. To round out his portrait of the golfing life, Reilly also persuaded Deepak Chopra and Donald Trump to take him on as a caddy, accompanied the four highest-rolling golf hustlers in Las Vegas around the course, and carried the bag for a blind golfer.

Between his hilarious descriptions of his own ineptitude as a caddy and his insight into what makes the greats of golf so great, Reilly’s wicked wit and an expert’s eye provide readers with the next best thing to a great round of golf.

God Loves Golfers Best: The Best Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons for Golfers

By Ray Foley

Ray Foley
Released: 2009-05-01
Paperback (144 pages)

God Loves Golfers Best: The Best Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons for Golfers
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  • God Loves Golfers Best The Best Jokes Quotes and Cartoons for Golfers
Product Description:

God Loves Golfers Best is the ultimate collection of golf jokes, quotes, and cartoons sure to tickle the funny bone of any avid duffer. A perfect gift or self-purchase for the golf fan in your life!

Examples from God Loves Golfers Best:

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green, and end up in the hole.

What should you do if lightning strikes during your round? Walk around holding a 1-iron, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

A man is getting married and is standing by his bride at the church.
Standing beside him are his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
The groom replies, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies

By Charles Lindsay

Bulfinch
Hardcover (128 pages)

Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies
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A unique and colorful collection of photographs featuring the under-celebrated wayward shot, its landing locale and the unexpected encounters with wildlife on and off the green.

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.

By Dick Crouser

Meadowbrook Press
Released: 2012-04-17
Paperback (96 pages)

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.
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An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

Absolutely Hilarious Adult Golf Joke Book: A Treasury of the Best Golf Jokes Ever Causing Loud Guffaws and Laughing Convulsions - Hilarious Golf Jokes ... Adult Joke Book Series) (Volume 1)

By The Team at Golfwell

Golfwell The Team at
Paperback (210 pages)

Absolutely Hilarious Adult Golf Joke Book: A Treasury of the Best Golf Jokes Ever Causing Loud Guffaws and Laughing Convulsions - Hilarious Golf Jokes ... Adult Joke Book Series) (Volume 1)
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  • Absolutely Hilarious Adult Golf Joke Book A Treasury of the Best Golf Jokes Ever Causing Loud Guffaws and Laughing Convulsions Hilarious Golf Jokes
Product Description:
A Great Gift for Any Golfer.

Amazing compilation of the funniest adult golf jokes ever heard!

Hilarious Golf jokes for the clubhouse bar, delays on the golf course, tee backups.

There are also entertaining golf anecdotes, quotations from well known people throughout the book.

Over 200 pages of golf jokes. Puts everyone in a great mood.

Laughter helps you relax and focus. No corny jokes here.

This is the first adult golf joke book of its kind.

Presented by www.TeamGolfwell.com and authored by the Golfwell Team. Non-stop laughter! Keep it in your bag and pull it out for the clubhouse bar. It will chase the blues away and have everyone in a great mood. Adults Only!

Golf & Sports Jokes: Very Funny Golf Jokes and Lists (Humor Series)

By William E. Ballew

CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Paperback (42 pages)

Golf & Sports Jokes: Very Funny Golf Jokes and Lists (Humor Series)
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Golf & Sports Jokes is Volume 9 of the HUMOR SERIES; in this humorous and entertaining series of joke books by Papa Bill Ballew and Nathan Ballew. A very funny book of jokes that are guaranteed to make you and your friends laugh on the subject of golf and sports jokes and lists - we hope that this book brings many a smile to your face! Try the whole series; available as e-books on Amazon, too. Golf & Sports Jokes is Volume 9 of the HUMOR SERIES includes the following chapters: Golf Jokes Golf Lists Sports Jokes and More…

The Golf Doc: Health, Humor, and Insight to Improve Your Game

By Ed Palank

Jones & Bartlett Learning
Paperback (192 pages)

The Golf Doc: Health, Humor, and Insight to Improve Your Game
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Recreation & Leisure

Humours of Golf

By W. Heath Robinson

Duckworth Pub
Hardcover (60 pages)

Humours of Golf
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A collection of humorous drawings on the subject of golf which first appeared in 1923.

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