Golf Jokes

   
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Guide 4 Golf   >   Golf Articles   >   Golf Jokes

   
 

 

Golf Jokes


Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in that lake over there."

Caddy: "Do you think that you can keep your head down that long?"



The 10 Unalterable Laws of Golf
  1. Golf is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

  2. Golfers who claim not to cheat, also lie.

  3. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

  4. There are only two kinds of bounces: unfair, and ones that went just the way you meant to play them.

  5. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course, is a straight line: A straight line that passes through a very large tree.

  6. If you are unable to keep your head still, and you look up, causing a bad shot, you will look down again at the exact moment when you should be watching the ball if you ever want to find it again.

  7. Bad shots always come in threes. If you believe that you performed your fourth bad shot in a row, you're wrong: it's actually the first of the next group of three.

  8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

  9. Any ball that you can see in the rough from more than 2 feet away, isn't yours.

  10. No matter how badly you are currently playing, it's always possible to play worse.


Golfer: "I just got a set of golf clubs for my wife."

Caddy: "Great trade!"



A man comes home from his Saturday afternoon golf game, and his wife asks, "Why don't you play with Tom Paxton anymore?"

The husband replies, "Would you want to play golf with somebody who cheats in virtually every single game, swears like a foul-mouthed sailor, lies about his score, and doesn't have a good word to say about anybody else on the course?"

"Of course not" replies wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom Paxton."



Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes. You miss the ball much closer now."



Funny Golf Quotes

"Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose."
    - Woodrow Wilson

" The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
    - Billy Graham

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
    - Mark Twain

"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
    - P. G. Wodehouse



Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break one hundred on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."



More Funny Golf Quotes

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators."
    - Gerald Ford

"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."
    - G. K. Chesterton

"If you think it's hard to meet new people,try picking up the wrong golf ball."
    - Jack Lemmon

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
    - Gardner Dickinson




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Golf Humor Books

Here are some books with golf jokes and humor:

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501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot

By Justin Exner

imusti
Released: 2016-05-01
Hardcover (144 pages)

501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot
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  • Sourcebooks
Product Description:

You can blame your job...
You can blame the course...
You can blame mother nature...
Or you can blame your equipment...
But Never, Ever, BLAME YOURSELF!

50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing

By Fred Fruisen

punchline
Hardcover (120 pages)

50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing
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Product Description:
Every golfer has a love/hate relationship with the game. What we love about golf one day, we curse at the next. We've all been frustrated to the point of breaking our clubs or vowing to sell them, announcing our departure from this infuriating sport only to show up at the course the next day, excited to play again. Golf is a game that teases, thrills, torments, and teaches. 50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing is a hilarious look at this addictive, wonderful, strange, beautiful, exasperating, mystifying sport and the culture surrounding it that people have been obsessed with for more than 500 years.

With an introduction by Chris Rodell, author, columnist, and golf fanatic.

Featured in the Golf Channel.

The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons

imusti
Hardcover (144 pages)

The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons
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  • Wiley
Product Description:
A wry look at the golfing world, from the beloved cartoonists at The New Yorker

A hilarious hole-in-one for golfers and cartoon-lovers alike, The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons, Second Edition brings together over a hundred classic images from across the magazine's eighty-plus-year history. Edited by Robert Mankoff, acclaimed cartoonist and cartoon editor at The New Yorker, and featuring work from legendary artists including Charles Addams, Roz Chast, Whitney Darrow Jr., Edward Koren, George Price, William Steig, and many others, the book is a side-splitting tribute to the game.

  • Brings together over 100 golf-related cartoons by the best-loved cartoonists at The New Yorker
  • Edited by the cartoonist and New Yorker cartoon editor Robert Mankoff
  • Newly revised and updated to include coverage of the most recent developments in the golfing world, including Tiger Woods's troubles and more
  • Features an introduction by Danny Shanahan

A timeless anthology of the very best golf cartoons ever to grace the pages of America's favorite magazine, The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons captures the passion and the pain of the game.

Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies

By Charles Lindsay

Bulfinch
Hardcover (128 pages)

Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies
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A unique and colorful collection of photographs featuring the under-celebrated wayward shot, its landing locale and the unexpected encounters with wildlife on and off the green.

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.

By Dick Crouser

Meadowbrook Press
Released: 2012-04-17
Paperback (96 pages)

Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest.
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  • Meadowbrook Press
Product Description:
An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

An Entertaining Gift of Golf Humor— In this collection of over 175 golf anecdotes, you’ll find entertaining stories about Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els, Jim Furyk, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, David Feherty, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Bobby Jones, and their friends. You’ll enjoy sharing them with your golfing partners on the putting green or at the 19th hole!

Absolutely Hilarious Adult Golf Joke Book: A Treasury of the Best Golf Jokes Ever Causing Loud Guffaws and Laughing Convulsions - Hilarious Golf Jokes ... Adult Joke Book Series) (Volume 1)

By The Team at Golfwell

CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Paperback (210 pages)

Absolutely Hilarious Adult Golf Joke Book: A Treasury of the Best Golf Jokes Ever Causing Loud Guffaws and Laughing Convulsions - Hilarious Golf Jokes ... Adult Joke Book Series) (Volume 1)
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Reviewed as one of the Funniest adult golf joke books on the market today.

A Great Gift for Any Golfer!

Over 200 pages of golf jokes. Puts everyone in a great mood.

Laughter helps you relax and focus. No corny jokes here.

This is the first adult golf joke book of its kind. It will chase the blues away and put everyone in a great mood.

Amazing compilation of the funniest adult golf jokes ever heard!

Hilarious Golf jokes for the clubhouse bar, delays on the golf course, tee backups.

There are also entertaining golf anecdotes, and quotations from well known people throughout the book, like Bill Murray who said, Laughter will help you relax, and the more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything, the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are with your job, the better you are with yourself.

Over 200 pages of spectacularly howling jokes. Laughter helps you relax and focus. This is the first adult golf joke book of its kind. Don't accept imitations.

Golfwell has since wrote three more Adult Golf Joke Books, Fascinating Golf Stories, and More Hilarious Adult Golf Jokes; "Great Golf Formats, Golf Betting Games, and More Hilarious Adult Golf Jokes; and Golf Tips and More Adult Golf Jokes.

Non-stop laughter! He'll remember you for the laughter it brings. 

SCROLL UP and get this book!

Adults Only

God Loves Golfers Best: The Best Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons for Golfers

By Ray Foley

Sourcebooks
Released: 2009-05-01
Paperback (144 pages)

God Loves Golfers Best: The Best Jokes, Quotes, and Cartoons for Golfers
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God Loves Golfers Best is the ultimate collection of golf jokes, quotes, and cartoons sure to tickle the funny bone of any avid duffer. A perfect gift or self-purchase for the golf fan in your life!

Examples from God Loves Golfers Best:

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green, and end up in the hole.

What should you do if lightning strikes during your round? Walk around holding a 1-iron, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

A man is getting married and is standing by his bride at the church.
Standing beside him are his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
The groom replies, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf Humor: 129 Greatest Golf Quotes from the World’s Most Famous People (Sports Life Quotes)

By Adam E. Murray

9 Publishing Company
Released: 2012-04-05
Kindle Edition (30 pages)

Golf Humor: 129 Greatest Golf Quotes from the World’s Most Famous People (Sports Life Quotes)
 
Product Description:
Product Description:

Could golfers and fans of the sport entertain and inspire you with just their words?

In a word: Absolutely!

In “Golf Humor: 129 Greatest Golf Quotes from the World's Most Famous People,” you will find professional golfers, world leaders, sports columnists and high profile celebrities making powerful and memorable comments about this sometimes frustrating, challenging game that captures the attention of so many Americans and worldwide fans.

From the game’s greatest players such as Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods to world leaders like Billy Graham and Gerald Ford to movie stars like Kevin Costner and Jack Lemon, these thoughts will entertain, amuse and inspire you like nothing else. The fact is, there is nothing like golf.

In this book, learn:

---What Masters' Champion Gary Player does NOT want in heaven

---Why evangelist Billy Graham NEVER prays on the golf course...

---What Arnold Palmer's best and easiest tip is to take 5 strokes off your game...

---Why actor Jay Mohr says his divorce and sexual harassment suit was NOT as frustrating as golf...

Plus, 125 more witty, thoughtful and just plain zany quotes about the most garishly dressed athletes in the world...

Get ready to smile, chuckle and just plain laugh out loud with "Golf Humor: 129 Greatest Golf Quotes from the World's Most Famous People."

God Just Wanted To Play Golf: The Oceanview Trilogy: Book One

By Craig W. Chenery

Pop Culture Planet Publishing
Released: 2018-02-28
Kindle Edition (326 pages)

God Just Wanted To Play Golf: The Oceanview Trilogy: Book One
 
Product Description:
When Heaven screws up... All hell breaks loose.

God; omniscient creator, terrible golfer, and disgruntled CEO of Heaven, asks for little in life. He wants nothing more than for his private elevator to be repaired, ten minutes of peace and quiet to eat Girl Scout cookies, and an eighteen-hole round with the recently deceased British Prime Minister. So when a broken database causes his records department to send The Grim Reaper a list of souls not ready for reaping, his once peaceful life quickly begins to unravel.

Furious with Heaven's ineptitude and the problems the disruption is causing his daily routine, The Grim Reaper retaliates with an unprecedented response. He skips the next reaping on his list and as a result, causes an army of bloodthirsty zombie-demons to be unleashed on the peaceful town of Oceanview, Arizona.

After a few days of the apocalypse running unchecked and a rapidly increasing body count, Heaven learns the location of the events occurring below and determines divine intervention is required. When the Oceanview survivors mistakenly kill the angels sent down to help, Heaven has no to choice but to call in the big guns, and God himself is forced to visit Earth for the first time, making an already dire situation much, much worse.

Why You Suck at Golf: 50 Most Common Mistakes by Recreational Golfers

By Clive Scarff

Scarff Clive
Paperback (72 pages)

Why You Suck at Golf: 50 Most Common Mistakes by Recreational Golfers
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  • Why You Suck at Golf 50 Most Common Mistakes by Recreational Golfers
Product Description:
Do you suck at golf? Do you know someone who does? While written in a tongue-in-cheek style, Why You Suck at Golf is an informative and education manual chronicling the most common mistakes golfers make when playing this wondrous game. From arriving too late for your tee time, to trying to keep your head too still, if there is a common, easily correctible mistake a golfer makes it is in this book. 52 chapters in all, each discussing a mistake and how to correct it. So whether you want to have a little dig at the golfaholic among your friends or family, or serious about eradicating shot-costing mistakes in your game, “Why You Suck at Golf” is a must read. Written by Teaching Professional Clive Scarff, author of the #1 ranked “Hit Down Dammit!” golf instruction book, also available on Amazon.

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